Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling: Why Bother and What to Expect

What beats you being in love? And what feels worse than being in combat with your lover? No one knows how to push your buttons better than the one person you have trusted with your story - your fears, wishes and hopes. Your closest friend can be your deadliest opponent, sometimes by withdrawing their affection, validation, or connection.

Is the couples counseling so frightening that we always delay it until the last possible moment? What comes to our minds as we think about relationship counseling?

We get many calls for counseling assistance that are the direct result of a recent partner "meltdown". And there are two sorts of calls that are very common. The most common is from a desperate partner in pain who wants to save the relationship. This person, most often the female partner, wants outside help to mediate the couple problems. She often states "I have to talk to my husband or boyfriend first", although she is ready to make an appointment. About 75 percents call back.

The first call comes when the relationship is still in early stage. The couple often find the counseling is a positive, successful, and sometimes even enjoyable experience. They find that many other couples are having the similar problems, and that solutions are readily available. In many cases, they rediscover respect and friendship, and reawaken the romance and intimacy of their early times together.

The second common call is from the other partner, most often the male, and usually several years later in relationship. That call goes something like this. "I want to set up a counseling appointment immediately, today if possible. My wife/girlfriend and I just separated after a big fight. She says she is finished with the relationship."

The second call can also sometimes result in a positive outcome, but the trail is much more difficult. Counseling begins after years of conflict or isolation, when one partner already feels hopeless, defeated and ready to leave. Both partners have inflicted and received a great deal of emotional damage. Couples are generally polarized on major issues, and may have aligned children, family members and friends into opposing camps. It is much more difficult for the couple in this situation to rebuild the trust, respect, warmth, friendship and intimacy that they desire.

The gender roles are reversed in some cases, but the essence of the calls is the same. Here are some reasons couples are not willing to go for couples counseling:

"It would be embarrassing to air my dirty laundry to talk about the things I might have done wrong, and to have my partner attacking me in front of a third party."

"I'm not the bad guy in the relation, I don't want to be seen as the bad guy. I can't speak as eloquently, or forcefully as my partner, and I'll just get raked over the coals."

"We've had these arguments a hundred times and it never goes anywhere. I donot want to pay money to go through these painful arguments again!"

"My spouse will never change. Why should I worry? I've tried everything."

"I've tried to change, and I can't. I just keep repeating the same mistakes. I may as well give up."

"Maybe the problems will just go away."

With these expectations, nobody would want to try counseling. Let me tell you a different perspective of what couples counseling might be like, based on real life experience - hundreds of hours of couple sessions.

Your counselor can also help you explore the difficulties in your relationship. They can understand each of your positions, without taking sides. Your counselor can help you identify the unmet needs, and the fears and resentments that sabotage your relationship. They can help you understand and observe the negative, repetitive cycles that cause you both so much pain. And a good counselor can help you change that negative pattern in session as it is occurring, and help you plan how to change those patterns at home.

Your counselor should be curious and genuinely interested in both of you as individuals. An experienced counselor will help you answer the questions, such as what attracted you to each other in the first place? And what has kept you together even through your difficulties? How have you managed to overcome conflicts and problems in the past?

Couples counseling is not always an easy process. It can be exhausting and frightening to challenge your known, and painful, ways of being with each other. It takes courage to identify how you each have contributed to problems, and it requires effort and integrity to recommit to a more healthy and loving relationship. And the reward for this courage and commitment will be huge! Growth and a blossoming of the respect, friendship, humor, and love that brought you together initially.

Charles Wallace, licensed marriage and family therapist, is the founder and executive director of Affordable Counseling Connection, LLC, a company in the Boulder/Denver metro areas of Colorado that connects clients with affordable marriage, family, and mental health therapists and counselors. Contact Charles through the Affordable Counseling Connection website.