Here Are Some Tips for Your Second Marriage

Dear Emily, I am starting to regret that I married a man where all of his energy is focused on raising his daughter, fighting his custody legal battle and work. I think that all I have for love and kindness is my dog, and he acts like I am weird for giving the dog attention like that. I am lonely. Help! "Janice"

Dear "Janice", Your disappointment are understandable, and you aren?t alone. Sounds like your love you had for your husband has changed dramatically since you guys decided to get married, and that your dissatisfaction is growing not tolerable.

I'd like to give you a couple medicines to your misery that you can start to apply right away, and look to see if the outcomes you receive are opposite than what you are feeling now.

1. Are you familiar with the idea that "what you resist will persist"? If you are using a lot of your energy and time focused on the things that are bad in your relationship and what you are unhappy about, it is very possible that you will see more of things that you DON?T wish to see; and keep getting the outcomes you are desiring to not see. The medicine here is to start looking at what is RIGHT about your relationship. This can be difficult to do at first, because you are so shattered. Something as easy as "He comes to the house each night and goes to bed in our bed." Or "He makes sure the car is filled with gas." . . . Hopefully you can start to notice all the ways he shows his commitment to you and to his family.

2. Begin to have an "attitude of gratitude". Criticizing is not a habit that gets us what we want. When we complain, we are pointing out to the someone all that they are doing wrong and how they are failing as a partner, a provider, a husband. This doesn?t typically inspire him to be who you want him to be. As a matter of fact, he will start to get so shattered and think that {whatever he does will never be as good as you want it to be and so he will just give up|no matter what he does it won't be good enough, that he'll just stop trying|. Why bother when the only thing that happens is that he gets told "not enough,could have been better, too little?" . The cure for complaining is to begin feeling full of gratitude and to openly tell him all the ways he is showing up. You will be amazed at the results. It is taking the seeing a step further and showing with a heart full of gratitude all that you notice - from the heart. The more you do this, the more you'll find things to be grateful for - it can be quite magical! And, you may get very creative in the ways that you show your heart full of gratitude. One spouse started placing little post-it notes of gratitude everywhere in the home, so he'd find them as he shaved, as he got his keys, as he opened his brief case. A different wife left a voice mail message talking about her gratitude to him at his job office. Did you know that men usually receive recognition is through hearing, seeing or what is done with him?

3. See how you can be adding to the problemsyou are faced with. In what ways are you behaving that might be keeping him at a distance from you? Are you whining? Are you withdrawn? Are you unreceptive to his advances? Are you jealous? Notice what things that are getting in the way of his attention and love for you. The cure to not receiving everything you want is to start giving everything that you want to the person you think you should get it from AND to yourself! Stop waiting for the person to come and see ways you can start showing up in a different way. And BEGIN awarding yourself what you think you should get. To me it sounds like you are getting your needs obtained by using the dog - but you are excluding your spouse. Perhaps you can include him as well? May you give him that affection as well?

One way that can help you would be to play a game called "Passing the Experience". In the same way that you see him giving every bit of his love to his daughter, he may see you giving all your attention to the dog. Both of you are receiving your needs met with someone/something else, instead of giving love to your spouse. And chances are there's so much frustration in the middle of the two of you that talking to eachother could be too scary to do by yourselves!

I'm curious about how old his daughter is, and what life was like for you when you were her age. Perhaps if you use some time to go back to her age in your thoughts, you may receive some information into the reason that you are triggered by his devotion to her.

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Emily Bouchard, has over 18 years of experience in working with children and families dealing with adversity. Emily is also a loving stepmother to two young women who were teenagers when she entered their lives. She publishes a free Blended Families newsletter. For a unique copy of this article for your website visit Second Marriage Bad.